The ladies' altar society at St. Cletus's Parish had been at their usual hair-splitting when it came to moral issues, being ever-vigilant when it came to being moral even to the point of scrupulosity. Such is the way of well-bred ladies trying to steer around the shoals of morality and who have a lot of time on their hands.
Now it happened that Brenda Dufour mentioned in passing that she read that a significant percentage of women have experienced orgasms during the course of doing exercises. These experiences, the so-called "coregasms," tend to result especially with exercise of the abdominal muscles or while riding a bicycle or a horse.* While several of the ladies thought but did not say, "How nice! I might look into this," that old biddy Ousier Philippe declared that those were sinful! But Ousier was never sold on the idea of orgasms in marriage, either. It sounded a bit worldly.
This question of sinfulness caused a lot of disagreement among the ladies present. Some saw this as a good reason to get off the sofa. One lady, who shall remain unnamed, wondered if the standing, sitting, and kneeling that goes on at church constitued this kind of exercise. This muddied the water further, you can bet!
Madeline, known as the Prophetess and neighborhood tout, found this all so confusing. While it is true that the women in those situations very often did nothing intentionally to induce those orgasms, it was also true that they did not occur in the context of licit marital relations that were officially sanctioned by the Holy Church! They were, in effect, bootleg orgasms! This clearly could be at odds with God's Cosmic Plan, of which it was the Prophetess's duty to discover and preach on (within the limits set by the N.O.P.D.).
So how to resolve this dilemma? One member of the group said, "Let's send Madeline to ask the Monseigneur (the auxilary to the Bishop)!" [Madeline, as a member of minor standing in the hierarchy yet incautious in saying what she was thinking, was often called on to ask questions of the priests or His Excellency, the Bishop!] Perhaps we can sympathize with Madeline's involuntary thought upon hearing this -- she was not the Monseigneur's favorite person because of past misunderstandings!
Anyway, Madeline really did enjoy going to the gym and especially doing those ab crunches and riding her bicycle around the neighborhood. So she really wanted to know. She was just not in favor of sin, despite what Mme. Ousier might think!
Madeline went that very afternoon to the Monseigneur and asked the question directly, having turned a bright shade of red out of embarassment for having said the O-word and perhaps for other reasons!
The Monseigneur always dreaded being asked something by this questionable mystic who seemed to also be comfortable with members of the underworld in some ways. He got that deer in the headlights look, both from the question involving S -*- X from a pretty woman and his not being that current on science and morality. He hesitated, thinking that this was not covered in his sex book but eventually worked out an answer. Hopefully, one that would not result in fallout from the Bishop!
"Ah, Madeline, my child . . . . It is not a sin to have an orgasm if it solely happens as a side effect of exercise. It is, however, a sin if to induce those delights was the only reason for performing the exercises. Think of those, er, extra orgasms as gifts to unmarried women that give them previews of the mutual marital pleasure that God intends for those within the sacrament of Matrimony."
The Monseigneur though to himself, "Good save."
Madeline smiled broadly and replied to this happy news: "That's really cool, Monseigneur. Outstanding!!!!! I'm glad we can be okay with the Big Guy on this. And is it also okay to get a nicer bicycle seat that helps provide better, er, comfort down there?"**
The Monseigneur needed a shot of Jameson with this question. And he wondered why the Parish's Zumba class was so popular!
*This phenomenon is for true. As a matter of fact, some genteel ladies have experienced embarrassment from having Meg Ryanesque reactions to this unexpected bonus for working out at the gym!
Virtue or Necessity?
1 hour ago